SelfEsteem
by ChaseLehrman
Summary: Tori is the bad guy for once! I can't describe it without giving anything away so just read it.


"You can do this Jade. You can do this." I say to my reflection. I wrote down everything I would say to her... revised it ten times. I've been standing here practicing all day.

"Don't be scared... she can't always have a hold of you" I tense as I hear the doorbell knowing it her finally showing up. I take a deep breathe and meet my own eyes in the mirror.

"Show time Jade, Be a man." I walk to the door, ready to tell her off. I open the door and I see her big brown eyes looking at me, her long brown hair flipping in every way perfectly. Her only flaw is the smug smirk on her lips and the look in her eyes that says she knows she owns me.

"Tori.." I start but can't get anything more out before she pulls me into a hard kiss. Before I know it we are having sex... again. Like we always do whenever I see her. I lay next to her, panting and sweaty. She smiles and kisses my cheek as she sits up.

"That was fun Jade, see you next time." I don't try to argue... I know it will me nowhere. She never wants to stay. I hear the click of the door closing and roll over, suppressing my tears as I try to sleep. She does this to me all the time. I know she's playing with me but I don't care... I've go no self esteem.

I wake up to my phone blaring. I grab it and answer in a confused tone.

"Hello?"

"Jade." Its her. I'm immediately awake and sitting up in bed.

"Tori?"

"Yeah, I'm going out tonight and wanted to know if you wanted to come too" She's asking me to go out with her? I can't help the smile that breaks over my face. I run my hand through my black hair, playing with one of my teal streaks, trying to hold my excitement so she doesn't reconsider.

"Yeah... that sounds great." I bite my lip to keep myself from saying more.

"'Kay see you then." The line goes dead and I fall back on my bed smiling like an idiot. Tori want to go out with me. I feel so amazing. Nothing can hurt me right now. I feel like I might actually mean something to her. I jump up and smile. I need to do something to pass the time until tonight. I know I shall paint. I walk down the hall to the room I set aside for my art. Paint splattered papers and portraits covering the walls. I pull on one of my old shirts and sit down at my easel, grabbing a canvas. I paint for hours, the colors meshing together and morphing into a beautiful painting. A painting of her. I smile and look at the clock. 8 o'clock. I should get ready. I walk back to my room, smiling contently.

"I get to see Tori and not just for sex." I say to myself and smile wider. I start changing into my skinny jeans and a decently revealing top. Maybe if she sees me like this then she might realize she has feelings for me. I smile and do my hair and make up. Some blue accessories to contrast my green eyes. I look amazing. I hope Tori thinks so. I sit on the couch and check the clock. 10 o'clock. She should be here soon... I hope.

2am. I walk over to the door and turn off the porch light. I stare at the ground as I walk back to my room. This rejections go me so low. This is the lowest I've felt because of her. I flop down on my bed without even caring to change out of my clothes. I just don't care. This isn't the first time she's done this and it probably won't be the last. If she keeps this up I might have to tell her how much it hurts. I love her. At least when she when she's saying she wants only me. But if she wants only me why would she sleep with my friends? I know she's been with Beck and Cat, but I can't prove if she has or hasn't been with the others.

I sleep for most of the next day. Waking up at around 6, having dreamt of Tori all night. I get up feeling unrested and depressed. I make my way into the kitchen deciding that I want to drown myself in coffee and television. I sit on my couch and slip on the TV, drinking half my coffee in one gulp. My house seems to be so dark and gloomy, almost as if its going to collapse in on my and devour me in the darkness I'm currently surrounded in. The only reason I'm not currently enveloped in that darkness is Adventure Time. I don't realize how much time has passed until there is a knock at more door and I look at the clock. It's 11o'clock. Its gotta be her. She's the only one who would show up at this time. I amble over to the door and open it slightly. She's biting her lip and her face is flushed the way that it does when she is drunk.

"Hi Jadey." She says as she pushes me back. She only comes here when she's looking to score. She starts to kiss down my neck as she pushes me against the wall next to the door. I know I should say no, but its so hard when she's ready to go. I want her so badly that I can't say no. There is no way I can turn her down. I may be dumb and let her abuse me like this but I'm not a dweeb. I'm just a sucker with no self esteem.

I wake up the next morning ans she's gone again. I run my fingers over the nail marks on my back and sigh. I guess I should stick up for myself, but I think its better this way. She will never, could never feel the same way I feel about her about me. I lay back and sigh deeply. Maybe if I'm lucky then my bed will swallow me and I will just get lost in the world of lavender sheets and suffocate. I don't want to live with this anymore. I want more with her but at least this way I still have a part of her. I still get what I want from her... kind of.

"I love her... why do I love her?" I growl as I jump out of bed. I storm down the hall to my art room, standing in front of my paintings and drawings of her. I grab my latest painting and, with tears in my eyes, I throw it against the opposing wall. Panting softly as I watch it clatter to the ground, broken. I can't take staring at her picture anymore. I can't handle looking at her and knowing I can't and won't have her. I grab another painting and repeat my action from before.

"No more Tori... No More!" I Grab a drawing and rip it up. Destroying every painting or drawing or picture I had of her in one fit of anger. I pant softly looking around at all the destruction and feel the tears begin to form. I collapse in the corner and start to cry. I pull my knees up to my chest and try to collapse in on myself. I stand as I hear the door, wiping at my eyes. I slowly open the door, and stare at Tori in shock.

"Tori?" But that's all I manage to say before her lips are on mine again and I'm suddenly pulled back into the cycle. I suddenly want her all over again.

But that's okay. The more you suffer the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah...

_A/N: It's me! I' alive! I'm going through a major motivation block right now and got randomly inspired to write this. Review would be great cause it might help me through my block. _

_Review if you love me!_


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